As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
