the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
