im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
