If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
