She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She told me I should be a condom model.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
