I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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