it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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