I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
