i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she pinky promised me she was 18
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
