OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
