rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
