my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
