let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
