Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
