My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
