I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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