I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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