Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
