If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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