I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
