i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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