I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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