you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
nutella sex= disaster
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
