there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
