he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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