A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
