i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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