He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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