Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
