I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
