i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
