at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
