Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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