this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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