I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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