i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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