So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
