This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh god it's open bar.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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