Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
