Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
