M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
