Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Randomize
