so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
