my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
