What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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