I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
