So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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