how do flat chested girls get laid?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
