I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
