Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
