Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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