; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
