babies were throwing up all over the place
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
