Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
