I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
