He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
